Immutable Resolutions
by bumblebree2
Summary: My personal feelings on how a relationship between my Shepard and Thane Krios should have played out. My first ever fictional writing! Please be gentle! The first chapter is very much background on the story laid out in most of Mass Effect 1 and 2. Feel free to just skim if you are familiar already :)
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Commander Alistair Shepard - called Ali by her friends and Shepard by her fellow soldiers- looked up from the report she had been writing only to see she had a message on her omni-tool. Excited for any reason to stop her current task, she immediately clicked it and read the message to herself.

_Shepard,_

_New data seems promising. Must share with you. Come as soon as you are able._

_Mordin_

She rolled her eyes to herself. For such a genius scientist, he certainly could be vague sometimes. No doubt he wanted to discuss some new anti-Reaper technology he was working on. Though, it seemed he must be close to figuring whatever it was out, because he rarely messaged her unless he was near completion with a project. Maybe he had found a way to lessen the mind control effects the machines had on organic life. That would certainly be helpful. Eager to see what he had for her, she got up from her desk and made her way toward the door of her cabin.

"Shepard, sorry for the interruption, but Thane has requested to see you in Life Support," came the ship's AI's voice across the PA.

Ali stopped and felt her mouth go dry. She struggled to swallow.

_Thane, she thought. What could he want..._

She couldn't come to understand exactly what had happened between them. From the time they had first met she had felt strangely intrigued by him. His cool confidence and calm demeanor. Even as the Commander who had twice already saved the universe from threats of annihilation, she was still so unsure of herself, and he was so confident. She envied him, really, and it drew her to him. For god's sake, even though he had a terminal illness, which he openly told her when they met, he still had more confidence in each sentence than she had ever felt in her entire life. She wanted to understand him, to know his story.

The whole reason they had crossed paths at all was of course because of Cerberus, the human-promoting group that had spent incalculable amounts of money to revive Ali from death. Of course, she wasn't entirely dead, but pretty much a goner if they hadn't retrieved her lifeless body after she had been lost from her ship trying to evacuate all her crew from an attack by an alien vessel.

She worked with them to defeat the Collectors, an alien race that had been abducting human colonies. She later found out, while attacking their base, that they were attempting to make some sort of hybrid between humans and Reapers: a sort of sentient machine race determined to wipe the universe of all organic life. It was at the point when she decided against Cerberus orders to blow the entire base, instead of preserving the knowledge gained from that monster, that she knew she could never go back to Cerberus.

Ironic, really, that the group which now she was trying so hard to escape had given her the one person she was willing to fight for.

And fighting she had been.

Fighting herself, mostly. She didn't understand him and that really got to her. She was usually pretty good at reading people, and feeling their emotions; empathizing. There were so many times in the past few months that she could have sworn he cared about her, could have sworn he felt for her what she felt towards him, but last week had pretty much put that train of thought to a certain end. What had she done wrong?

She remembered their interactions vividly, almost as vividly as he could, she thought sardonically to herself. For a few months now, they had taken to sitting in his quarters and talking. She would come in, he would make tea, and he started to open up, to tell her things about his life before.

Ali loved those days, she would sit and listen intently as he described his past to her, only intermittently interrupted by him falling into the dream like memory state that was only possible for Drell in which they could relive any memory with perfect clarity. Even at these times, though slightly uncomfortable at first as they made her feel she was intruding on some private secret, Ali couldn't help but feel a surge of emotion towards him. All the pain that had been in his life and still he was able to press on with such resolve. He showed no fear, no hurt, no emotion at all, really, and it amazed her.

It was in such a stark contrast to the way she knew she was when no one was watching. Other than the obvious physical differences between them, namely: green scaled skin, neck pleats, and those dense dark black eyes, they were seemingly complete opposites emotionally as well. Though she hid it outwardly, Ali was never confident, she was constantly unsure, apprehensive, always questioning herself. Of course, when it came to protecting those in her care, she never hesitated; there was nothing she wouldn't do to make sure everything was as easy as it could be for those around her, especially her squad. She was Commander Shepard, after all, she had to be strong if only on the outside.

But Thane, he was different, he really showed no emotion. So being able to see him talk about things in his past that had clearly touched him, no matter how much he tried to hide it, was relieving to Ali. It made her realize he was a person, like her, and it made her care for him in a way she never could have if she hadn't known what he had been through.

She had learned that he had been raised as an assassin by the Hanar, a different species that had saved the Drell by evacuating them from self-destruction on their planet, Rakhana, to bring them to their homeworld, Kahje. Under The Compact, an agreement between the two species, some Drell children were trained by the Hanar to be assassins for them because they lacked the physical attributes to efficiently do it themselves. So Thane's skills had been honed from the age of six until he rose to be, arguably, the best assassin in the universe.

She learned, too, that the Hanar evacuation of the Drell to Kahje had unknowingly led to the development of a disease exclusive to Drell known as Kepral's syndrome. This, he told her, was a result of an infection that led to chronic illness in a large part of the Drell population in which the oxygen carrying capacity of their equivalent of hemoglobin was reduced. Eventual deterioration of the body was eminent with not enough oxygen circulating in the blood. It was terminal; the Hanar had been attempting to find a cure but had not been successful yet, and Thane had been suffering through his body's gradual deterioration for years now, not that he ever showed it.

Remarkably, and this had perhaps been the most striking feature to her from the very beginning, was that he was unwaveringly religious. He practiced an old religion of Drell (as opposed to the newer religion taught by the Hanar) in which Thane, in particular, spoke of three gods: Amonkira, lord of the hunt, Kalahira, goddess of oceans and afterlife, and Arashu, goddess of motherhood and protection. He also shared the beliefs of his religion pertaining to the body being separate from the soul. As such, Thane was able to separate himself from the actions of his body - namely, the assassinations ordered by the Hanar - because it was not his soul that committed them. His outlook both perplexed and intrigued her.

It taught her much about him, she now began to understand why he was so prone to not betraying any emotion. It was clear that he had been trained that way. The way he was now was simply a product of what he had endured. This made her feel even more compassion towards him, and the situations he had been put through, even if he did not see them as damaging.

She also learned, more painfully, of how he met his former wife, Irikah, when she selflessly threw herself between his targeting laser and one of his marks. How he had become obsessed with her and believed she was a warrior angel of the goddess Arashu, a fierce protector. How he loved her so much he begged her forgiveness until finally she gave it, and finally loved him in return. She listened and she heard the stories of how he came to live and feel outside of being an assassin. He told her that Irikah had died, but Ali didn't dare ask why. It made her heart ache for him, for his apparent resolve to feel nothing so as not to feel the pain that surely he hid with his memories of her.

Through these sessions, they grew closer. Ali felt herself letting her guard down around him and sharing feelings that she would never have let others know she had. Her unease about everyones' reliance on her to save the world, her constant questioning of herself - did she ever make the right decision? - and her fear that someday it would all be too much and she would break down and fail them all.

Through all of this, he was always there, always willing to listen and comfort in a way Ali had never found in a person before. Normally, people would comfort her with platitudes:

_Everything will work out in the end_, or

_If it's meant to be it will be_,

but Ali never took any relief from these empty promises. However, everything he said to ease her worries was inherently logical, so she couldn't debunk any of his arguments; she had to believe him. She had to believe him when he told her she did everything as well as she could and the people of the universe were lucky to have her as their champion. He never lied or coddled her, but his words had healing in them, and she even started to believe them herself.

It was about a week later that he had requested her help with his son, Kolyat, who he hadn't spoken to since Irikah's death. Thane had gotten word that Kolyat had suddenly left his home on Kahje and taken an assassination contract and he wanted Ali to help stop him.

"I can't let him go down the same path as I did," His eyes implored her.

"Thane, I don't have anything in the way of your access to contacts and information, what could I possibly do to help?" Ali questioned, softly.

"You misunderstand me," he said as he stepped closer to her, "I don't want your help, I _need_ it. Ali, I haven't seen him in ten years. I don't know that I'll be able to face him alone..." he trailed off, but she didn't need him to say more. She had agreed to help him as soon as he asked.

"Of course, just say the word and we'll go." She said and reached out to squeeze his hand.

So they went and stopped Kolyat, and even with how angry he had been at Thane, Ali was happy to see they had been keeping in contact, happy to see a little life come back into Thane at being reunited with his son.

But the memory she recalled with the most pain happened just a week ago. Ali listened sadly as he told her of how Irikah had been brutally murdered by slavers he had angered by assassinating their leader when he had become too complacent and stayed away from home too long. Watching his face intently after he came back from one of his memories about finding her body, Ali forced back tears as she saw the first signs of emotion on his normally stoic face.

_If only sadness wasn't the only emotion his body could feel anymore.  
_  
Returning to his normal, calculating, self, he stood and started pacing the room. He informed Ali of how he had sought out her murderers and made them suffer instead of granting them quick deaths as he had been trained.

"I don't blame you," Ali said, after he finished telling her.

"They were evil people," Thane responded with his eyes cast away from her.

"No," Ali said as she stood and reached for his hand. "I don't blame you for her death."

His deep black eyes met hers with sudden understanding of what she had said. It shook him that anyone could understand the blame he really felt about everything that had happened with his family. He had never told anyone, never allowed anyone to feel his burdens, except her...

He reached for her face and pulled her lips to his. Ali was startled, but kissed him back. He pulled her whole body towards him and ran his hands under her untucked shirt. Chills ran up her spine as the cool scales on his hands touched her skin. She reached her hands to his hips and felt his muscles flex under the thin leather of his vest. Suddenly, Thane pushed her away and stepped back, his eyes clenched shut. Ali whimpered and retreated a step, hugging herself to keep in the warmth that had come from his body pressing against hers.

"I'm so sorry..." she whispered, "Did I do somethi-"

"It's not you, Siha" Thane still wouldn't meet her eyes. "Just go, please, I can't..." He faltered, he couldn't say anything else.

She stood confused for a moment.

_Siha? What does that mean?_

But she didn't dare ask. It took all of her strength to turn from him and leave the room without crying, but she did. She looked back as she was leaving and saw him sitting with his head in his hands at the table not facing her. She pushed back her tears and retreated to her cabin as fast as she could.

That was the last she had spoken to him. Even when she had seen him in the halls - which face it, was going to happen because it was not that big of a ship - she had avoided his gaze and hurried past. She hadn't even taken him on any missions with her since. She was at a complete loss. She didn't know what she did wrong, but she had hurt him, and it killed her.

So, when EDI's voice told her Thane wanted to see her, she had no idea what to expect, but she immediately became slightly nauseated.

"Thank you, EDI," Ali said and stopped to think to herself.

_Dammit girl, pull yourself together! You need to talk to Mordin about his findings. Remember, saving the world from the Reaper invasion? Ringing any bells?_

Ali hated herself for how much she let him get to her, how guilty she felt for feeling anything but a desire to do her duty against the Reapers, but she couldn't help it, all she could think about was him.

_Might as well get it over with, I won't be able to concentrate on anything Mordin says with the thought of Thane hanging over my head..._

So with that decision in mind, she headed out of her cabin and pressed a slightly trembling hand to the button for level 2 where she would find Thane.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Ali exited the elevator and turned right towards the Life Support compartment. As she approached, she tried to steady her breathing and stop her trembling hands. She mustered as much courage as she could and walked through the Life Support doors.

Thane was pacing near a metal table but looked up when he heard her enter. He met her gaze and she saw something in his eyes: intense sadness and regret. It crushed her.

"EDI said you wanted to see me," Ali offered not coming much further into the room than necessary for the door to close behind her.

Thane looked lost for words for a moment, but finally swallowed and said, tensely, "I'm afraid I need your help again."

Ali looked at him with concern, she couldn't help it, she cared about him even if he didn't seem to want her to.

"What is it?" she said stepping closer to him so they were within arm's reach of each other. Her heart was hammering in her chest, but she tried to look calm.

"It's difficult to put into words," he said as he looked into her eyes.

"Take your time," Ali offered, as much as an inward reminder to herself as an outward assurance to him, fiercely resisting the urge to touch him for fear of what would happen.

After a few deep breaths, Thane finally spoke "It's been ten years to the day since Irikah's murder. I can't get myself to stop reliving the memory of finding her... her body..." As his speech failed him he looked away from Ali, he didn't want to show her all the pain that was in his eyes.

"I'm sorry to involve you in this, I just didn't... I don't have anyone else..." Thane's voice broke and he stepped back.

"Thane, I..."

She couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes, but reached out both her hands towards his hips and slid her hands under his jacket. She couldn't help herself. His pain was killing her and she wanted to help him. She wanted to comfort him and make everything better. She wanted to protect him.

Under her fingers she felt Thane's muscles tense and instantly began withdrawing her hands.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't even..."

As she moved her hands away Thanes hands shot smoothly out toward her to stop her retreat. As he firmly caught her elbows he closed his eyes.

"It's just..."

He struggled to finish his sentence. Ali could see his internal struggle to find the words he was searching for. He kept his eyes hidden from her. He didn't want her to see him so lost. When he did speak it was in his normal calm tone, if a little uneasy.

"It's been ten years since I let someone really touch me." He paused and let out a slow shaky breath in an attempt to regain control of the quaking in his voice. "And that didn't turn out so well for her."

Ali knew by the way he said it he didn't just mean touch as a physical word, but as a truly all-encompassing word. To be touched both physically, and emotionally. The last time Thane let his whole being be touched by anyone he had failed her. He had lost her and he would never truly forgive himself for it.

She watched as he clenched his eyes closed more, attempting to hold back the flood of emotion that threatened to surface if he met Ali's eyes. A single tear rolled down his green skin and Ali felt her heart sink. She couldn't stand to see him this way. It pained her to see all these things that he kept locked up away from the world. He always seemed so calm and knowing, so self-assured. But here was what truly lie beneath, and it killed her.

_Maybe we're more alike than I thought._

She reached one of her hands towards his chin and wiped the single tear aside, fighting back her own tears as she did. She needed to be strong for him. He had always been her stability when she needed it, now it was her turn to help him. As she moved closer to him she felt his hands tentatively release her elbows only to rest stiffly at his sides, torn between his heart and his mind. She brought her hand to rest on his chest and felt the steady beat of his heart and silently thanked whatever gods responsible for keeping it strong this long. This thought, too, brought new tears to her eyes but she again fought them back.

_This isn't about you, Ali. Stop playing the victim. Be strong for him._

She was resolved; she was going to help him. She took her other hand and forced his head even with hers. His eyes were still closed, but he didn't fight much. His lack of resistance shook her; he truly was as broken at this moment as he had been the very day it happened. She needed to make him understand, needed to make him believe, the last time was not because of him.

"Thane," she said, as she brought her forehead to rest against his, "what happened to Irikah was not your fault."

At the mention of her name she felt Thane shudder, but she pressed on.

"You have to stop blaming yourself" she spoke as calmly as she could, trying to portray the confidence in her words that always seemed so easy to him. "No one is to blame but the people who killed her. You said it yourself, this universe is a dark place. There is nothing you can do when evil people like them are determined to have their way, but attempt to pick up the pieces afterward."

She felt his head shift slightly as his eyes finally opened. They were shimmering with long-held tears that he was still fighting valiantly to keep back. He spoke one slow determined sentence looking straight into her eyes

"I should have been there."

She took the hand that had been on his chin and slid it back around his torso, and held him firmly, but gently. Her face was filled with anguish and concern. She stared as strongly back into his black eyes as she could. He would listen to her.

"You did everything you could have been imagined to; you have to let it go, Thane."

He turned his eyes from her again, but kept them open this time, preferring to focus on the cool grey tile of his Life Support chambers. He knew, deep down, she was right, but it didn't stop him from feeling as guilty as he did. Had he never begged Irikah's forgiveness, if he had resolved himself to go on without knowing her, she would still be alive. He could have saved her by denying himself, just as he was trying to do now.

As if she had read his thoughts, Ali countered "You can't think that just because you loved her, it killed her."

The appearance of yet more stifled tears down his face informed Ali that she was completely correct in her guess of his emotions.

"Thane," Ali spoke gently and pulled his chin back towards her "loving you will _not _kill me."

She felt his legs give out a little as the rest of the tears he had tried so hard to hold back came screaming to the surface. He couldn't hold his arms away any longer. He reached them around her back and pulled her closer to him, burying his tear streaked face in her neck. She cradled his head in her hand as he cried silently. No tremors, no gasps for breath, just years of well-hid emotion finally being released. She let him stay there, warm in her embrace, allowing himself to be vulnerable if for only once in his life. Finally, she felt him pull himself back to a self-supporting position.

"I don't understand what I could have possibly done for the Gods to give me another chance," he spoke, once again regaining his calm smooth tone. "I can't possibly deserve it...deserve you..." He trailed off and pulled one of his hands up to Ali's face and used it to press her forehead towards his. He looked right into her grey-blue eyes and spoke with complete confidence "But I won't waste it this time."

He moved his lips towards hers and felt them meet. There was a sudden burst of warmth throughout his whole body. Ali couldn't stand it, she kissed him back softly, but as fully as she could: trying so hard to impart all of the feelings she had for him in this one simple action. She waited for him to respond, she didn't want to rush anything. She knew full well the emotional state he was in and wouldn't dream of taking advantage of him as such. He pulled her closer and moved his mouth away from her lips only to find her neck. As he began tenderly kissing up and down her collar bone, Ali almost lost it.

She could hear his breathing becoming labored, and it stopped her. She instinctively pressed her hand against his chest and felt how hard his heart was hammering, and it terrified her. She pulled away from him instantly, as if she'd been burned, and whimpered audibly, pulling her hands into fists near her chest. She stepped back and stifled another whimper.

"I'm so sorry, Thane, your heart, I didn't even think..."

Her face was in anguish, she was so certain she had caused him some sort of pain. Thane looked hurt at first, with her retreat, but then understood what she was saying and concern replaced it.

"Alistair..." he pleaded in an earnest voice, trying to calm her. "It wasn't..."

"I'm so stupid! How could I not think... I never want to hurt you!" She ran her fingers through her light blonde hair and pulled at it as she turned towards the door and started walking away before Thane could say anything.

"Alistair, please..." his voice called after her and stopped her. She couldn't look at him, she felt too awful. "The only way you could ever hurt me is by leaving."

He spoke it as if all of his strength had gone into saying it. In reality, it wasn't far from the truth. She turned to see him hunched and half sitting against the metal table in the middle of the room. Her gut twisted; what had she done?

_You offered him, no forced him, into allowing himself to love you and then you leave? _

Ali moved slowly closer to him until she was within arm's reach. He stood and looking up into her eyes, Thane reached out and pulled her towards him. With one hand he guided her trembling hand back to his chest right over his heart.

"That," he nodded downward to indicate the previous symptoms that had upset her so much, "was not because of Kepral's."

Ali felt foolish and bowed her head away from him. "I was so scared I was hurting you..."

"Ali, when you incite those types of reactions, you are definitely not hurting me." He nuzzled his nose on hers and pushed her head back to look at him. She smiled slightly and her cheeks burned red.

"Those were because of the way you make me feel, because of my impatience to show you how much I care. Those," he paused and kissed her nose, "were because of you."

"But what if they do hurt you, eventually? I mean... won't it get worse..." Ali asked hesitantly but still very concerned.

"Ali," he held her face and looked deep into her eyes as a slight smile came across his lips, "loving you will _not _kill me."

She smiled at having her own words thrown back at her. She leaned into him and kissed his lips gently, but pulled away before he could pursue more.

"Please never leave me" he whispered as their lips slowly moved apart. She could feel with breath warm on her cheek as he spoke each word.

"I would never," she whispered confidently, rubbing her warmed cheek against his.

"Thank you," he whispered, looking deep into her eyes.

Ali wrapped her arms inside his jacket and around his torso and felt him shiver at her touch. She held herself against his chest and felt him pull her strongly against him. It was surprising, he wasn't much taller than she was, and she was pretty strong for her size, but the strength he had always amazed her. They stayed there for a while, just taking in each other, until finally Ali pulled back enough to look at Thane.

"I would love to stay but I need to go speak with Mordin, he paged me before I came."

"Of course," Thane released his hold only after kissing her brow. "I need to meditate as well."

Concern filled her face again and he realized his mistake.

"Don't worry, I won't return to those memories," Thane reassured her. Alistair looked visibly relieved.

"Regardless," Ali said, somewhat nervously, pawing the zipper of his vest, "I really don't think you should be alone tonight."

She watched Thane's reaction to this suggestion come over his face. He smiled a bit sheepishly and kissed her lips again. When he moved his face back and looked at her again, she saw some concern on his face.

"What is it?" she asked. "Would you rather be alone?"

"No, it's not that," he said, calmly. "I just, don't want to become a burden. You have many responsibilities that should come before overseeing my emotional well-being."

Ali looked back at him with a knitted brow and he understood her doubt.

"I shouldn't have requested you come here. I know you have important work that needs doing and I am here to help you in any way you need. As long as I can be, I intend to be a functional member of this crew, _Commander_," he playfully kissed her forehead and emphasized the last word which relaxed the crease in her brow.

"Thane," Ali started, "I am an excellent multi-tasker. Please, just come up to my cabin. I can make some tea, I'll work on some reports and you can relax. I'll be there to keep you from returning to any behaviors that might be damaging to your… _emotional well-being_."

Thane hesitated. He looked deep inside her eyes as if searching for some reason for him to turn her down. Apparently, though, he came up empty handed because finally, he conceded.

"As you wish. I will await your page."

She smiled and kissed him again, this time pulling away from his embrace. She forced herself to walk towards the door without looking back only to calmly add "I'll have EDI page you when I'm done." And with that, she left the room.


End file.
